Watching your loved ones spiral out of control and not being able to help them can be highly devastating. For several years, people have undertaken the tough love approach to get their friends or family to let go of certain behaviors. But times are changing, and the world is not the same as it was a few years ago.
The term “tough love” was first introduced by Bill Milliken around the mid-20th century. It’s the practice of helping someone deal with a problem by restricting them of certain benefits or not being very kind to them. Essentially, it requires you to remain stern, so it convinces the other person to be accountable for their actions and work on mitigating them. Although theoretically, the tough love approach may seem efficient, research and hard evidence show that coerced treatment rarely gives the desired outcome. Instead, it can quickly accelerate an already bad situation and make it worse.
Fortunately, there are several alternatives to the tough love strategy to help your loved one get out of a sticky situation. The seven most effective ones are listed below.
1. Seek professional help
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It’s important to understand that despite how much you love or care for someone, helping them deal with a complex problem may be beyond your control. Unfortunately, many parents and partners consider it a failure if they cannot help their loved ones with as serious a problem as an addiction. But it is best to get them the professional help they need instead of taking matters into your own hands. A group of specialists at Delphi Health Group have special training to help you out. To learn more about them, you can visit delphihealthgroup.com and gain insights into how their treatment programs work.
Health professionals have years of theoretical knowledge and experience under their belts. Since you don’t want to leave any stone unturned when seeking help, recruiting their assistance may be the wisest thing you can do.
2. Understand the root cause
Before you start enforcing constraints, you must try to understand the root cause of the problem. Without knowing the cause of a particular behavior, there’s no way of resolving it effectively. For example, if your child is engaging in substance abuse, you must ask tough questions to gauge why they’re doing it. For doing this, your relationship with the affected must be strong, with understanding and trust being a two-way street. It’s normal for feelings like anger, guilt, sadness, or regret to arise, but you must keep your focus on the bigger picture. Don’t try to shift blame or get defensive.
3. Establish boundaries
In every relationship, whether parent-child, spouses, friends, or even siblings, it’s essential to establish clear boundaries. Every individual has certain actions they may find intolerable, and they must communicate these to their partner to ensure a healthy relationship. Some people misconstrue setting limitations or boundaries with tough love. But these are, in fact, opposites.
While you set boundaries before a situation arises, you act out of tough love as a disciplinary action after something has already occurred. But, more importantly, your child or partner must understand that if they cross a boundary, there will be consequences. It will help them stay accountable for their actions and keep them self-aware, knowing their actions might lead to adverse outcomes.
4. Be compassionate
Being compassionate to someone in recovery contrasts with the tough love approach. It focuses on putting yourself in a loved one’s shoes, feeling their pain, and sincerely wishing to relieve it as much as possible. Contrary to popular belief, showing compassion doesn’t justify or promote harmful behaviors. Instead, it creates a better understanding with someone going through a difficult time and allows them to see people are willing to help them out of it.
Being nice to a loved one who engages in destructive behavior doesn’t make you an “enabler.” On the contrary, research shows that a supportive partner can be crucial in helping their partner change.
5. Give unconditional love
Getting involved with substance abuse stems from mental health issues and should receive the same treatment as a physical illness. Unfortunately, people stigmatize these harmful practices so much that they label a loved one as an enabler, promoter, or supporter of these behaviors. But just like you would for any other disease, you must show unconditional love to your child or partner who may be battling compulsion. While tough love may drive your child or partner entirely away from you, unconditional love can bring them back and help them make a quick recovery. Love them and care for them as you would under any other circumstance, so they’ll feel encouraged to get better.
6. Try the CRAFT program
For several years, families and mental health professionals employed conventional therapies and approach to intervene or confront a prevalent issue. Pretty soon, however, they became obsolete and were no longer as effective as they used to be. Recently, psychologists developed a new program with solid evidence of producing desirable outcomes. This program is known as Community Reinforcement and Family Training, or CRAFT. It aims to recognize and work on the relationship between users and their loved ones to help them out of a bad situation. For example, instead of confronting substance users regarding their habits, CRAFT encourages them to move forward and seek help. It teaches you to understand triggers, spot early signs that may escalate into something worse, and use positive communication to get your messages across.
7. Use positive reinforcement
Letting go of compulsive behavior is challenging. One must face several setbacks, relapses, and struggles on the path to recovery, and being optimistic throughout the process can quickly become challenging. But positive reinforcement can help with this.
Its central idea is to reward good behavior for increasing the likelihood of that action continuing in the future. Several studies have established a link between positive reinforcement reducing maladaptive behavior in adults and children, as opposed to punishment. So, instead of taking something away as a form of retribution, focus on rewarding the positives and seeing how quickly they progress.
Conclusion
Regarding therapies and recovery processes, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Everyone has varying needs, concerns, and limitations. But while a tough love approach may create more problems than solve them, being calm and supportive might be the best way to get your loved ones out of a ditch.
